RECOVERING IN RECOVERY

I’m Shelby and I am an alcoholic.  I said that for the first time on July 1, 2002 and one day at a time, I haven’t found it necessary to use a mood altering substance since. 

I was an alcoholic of the depressive type so the despair and desperation I felt prior to that date was so powerful and took me to the darkest places a person can go. 

I hope I never forget that feeling. That’s why it’s so important for me to hear the stories of alcoholics frequently. And one of the reasons I LOVE working with sober women!

As a young girl I never felt comfortable in my own skin. You know what I mean right?  I was raised in a loving family, played sports, went to camp, had the right boyfriend, given all the things. You know I checked all the boxes on the checklist!

As I grew up, I never felt good enough, smart enough or pretty enough for whatever group I was involved in leaving me in a constant state of disconnection. And then I found alcohol.

It was the magic elixir that helped me deal with li...

August 24^th. It happened again. On Saturday I was out to breakfast with my husband after our lovely j-alk together. I ordered the shrimp salad because I don’t like breakfast food that much plus white flour is off limits in my program so the options are different.

It came with potato chips and this cute little plastic container of what appeared to be onion dip. Clever.

I enjoyed the salad and was munching on some chips with the dip and when I got halfway through I realized I was eating onion dip. And what is onion dip made with, sour cream. And what nutritional category does sour cream fit into? You guessed it dairy. And dairy is one of the three hard no’s on my program.

DH looked at me and asked if that meant I had to start over and I was like “No”.

I sat there justifying myself saying well I stopped once I realized, it was only a little bit, it was an accident. Have I not learned anything over the past thirty nine days? There are no exceptions on this program. There are no mistake...

August 23. The idea of relationships has been on my mind and heart for a good bit of time now. Because I believe it is the one thing as humans (besides the insides of our bodies) that we have in common.

We all interact with other people in some way. Even the most extreme recluse, has parents, gets food and clothing from a source, earns a living somehow.

Relationships are part of the human experience. And they vary in type and closeness. We have the most intimate people, our partners, our family, closest friends that make up the inner circle.

We go out from there with acquaintances, co-workers and neighbors, then even further out, people we see at the gym, the grocery story or post office.

What’s interesting is how as we go through life this changes. When we are young we attach ourselves to friends at school, people on our teams and our neighborhood pose. These are our people and we believe we will be best friends forever. That we will follow each other to college and never lose tou...

August 22. I think I got profiled. I mean that’s a little how it felt, not to be compared to the experiences of any others, don’t come at me, but gave me pause for thought on all of this.

The other day I went out for a walk from my house to get my second workout in. It had been really cloudy and drizzly earlier in the day and all of that cleared and way and the sun was shinning. It was a gorgeous afternoon.

I live on a relatively quiet street that is about a mile and a half long and at the end of the road there is a lane that continues off (it’s a fork in the road), where there are a few houses and then a dead end. Typically I walk all the way to that dead end to get to the halfway point of my time and then turn around.

I was on my way back when a white luxury car of some kind (I can’t remember the brand) was pulling down very slowly and kind of stopped. I assumed they were pulling into the driveway so I stopped and waved her in.

She pulled into the driveway and rolled the window d...

August 19. Ok so I’m going to need you to grab another cup of coffee or just sit down while you read this because my mind is on FIRE this am. 

I was on my morning jalk, my new term for what I’m doing these days. I start of jogging for a bit for as long as I can until the 150% humidity takes over my soul and crushes it. Then I walk for a bit, sometimes try and jog again, repeat.

And of course I was listening to some good stuff along the way. I continue to be amazed at the incredible amounts of phenomenal, insightful, inspiring women there are out there doing wonderful work to build our emotional intelligence and give us hope.

And that I haven’t met them all yet. This morning there are two more!

Anne Lamont is a legend in the recovery world, if you haven’t heard of her, look her up. She's written a bunch of books, she has been sober for like a million years and she is incredibly spiritually fit. She is sixty seven years old so there’s that. Of course she is experienced plus has the b...

August 17. The concept of unity is stuck in my head. I won’t go off on another tangent but it truly is interesting in all of our circles most especially the addiction community.

How many times as people in recovery have you seen messages like “Addiction isn’t a disease, you have a choice”, “Stop using the medical model as a cop out and start doing the right thing”, “You will never recover”, etc.

And then there’s the conversations around California sober, medication assisted treatment, the use of psycho-pharmacologicals and twelve step programs. Ugh it’s exhausting even writing that sentence because I have been part of all of those conversations more than one time.

And the bottom line is, there really aren’t “right” answers, only what’s right for you. And frankly whatever works for you to stay sober AND live well beyond recovery. That is the most important thing.

Truly the only thing because without sobriety, there is nothing else, well except for handcuffs, courtrooms and hospitals...

August 16^th. The difference between unity and equality are subtle but important. In our modern times it seems the call for equality has become the loudest voice heard. The catalyst for change, for understanding and cancel culture.

Equality denotes acceptance or exclusion of someone or something based on specific qualities.

Unity however, is parts that make up a whole. A coming together of all the people and things to include our differences. A blending of diversity of thought, color, spiritual beliefs, upbringing and purpose.

Unity says:

Together we were made as humans.

Together we were blessed.

Together we multiply and fill the earth.

Together we stand

It feels much different to live in this way, inclusive, expansive and the opportunities are great to learn from each other. When we all our difference to be a blessing, when we welcome diversity in every way, we expand the capacity of humanity.

The walls around prejudice, assumptions and hate get broken down, often with a simpl...

August 13. Have you ever been so struck by something that you realize you are the fool? You are the one that has been accepting things in your life over and over and over again expecting different results.

That insidious nature of insanity that seeps into all the cracks in the most vulnerable moments of life. Infiltrating all the parts, leaving damage that often isn’t seen for many moons to come, sometimes never.

As a huge believer in the truth that we get what we allow, this is a hard pill to swallow when it comes up in my life. Its like being punched in the gut even after putting on all your protective gear.

Doubled over retching on the ground with the knowledge that this is ultimately my fault. #dramaticmuch

This is one of the reasons why relationships with other humans are probably the hardest things we will ever do in this life. They require more effort, more care, more tenderness and compassion than anything else we will engage in during our years on earth. 

The spouse that ...

August 11^th. This week will prove to be another big challenge for maintaining the 75 Hard Challenge. Because we are on vacation. Well if traveling with six teenagers equals vacation that is.

So far so good but yesterday we went white water rafting and will be gone for several hours. Turns out that was a really intense workout for much longer than 45 minutes. It counts!

One great thing about this challenge for me is the reminder of resilience. There is so much we CAN do as human beings and so often we get side tracked because of our feelings. We allow the feeling of exhaustion, frustration, anger or sadness to take over and prevent us from doing certain things.

The key is, forget the feelings and just do it. When you wake up and your mind says hit the snooze button, don’t waste a seconds time, turn that alarm off and get up. When you are exhausted after work but you said you were going to the gym, don’t think about it just drive your car there.

Because in the words of Mel Robbins, n...

August 4. Life is a funny thing right. This space between birth and death, between heaven and earth. The dash between the date on the tombstone.

This is life. It’s huge and also small.

It’s wide and expansive reaching to the ends of the earth and beyond, and also narrow, limited and restricted.

How can something be all of those things. The joy we experience with the beauty all around us, when we breathe fresh air, feel warm sun on our skin, look our babies in their eyes, snuggle with your puppy, enjoy hot sex in a mutually loving relationship, devour a gorgeous and healthy salad filled with nutrition from the earth. You get the idea.

And the pain that comes from living. The physical pain we endure from playing sports, getting in accidents, growing older. And the emotional pain.

The searing overwhelm that comes from being in relationship with others, from losing people we love, from the disappointments that will come for all of us, from the diagnosis. Its like the sting, sizzle and...